


Sonicalypse

by Kyarorain



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog (Video Games)
Genre: Character Bashing, Gen, Humor, No Plot/Plotless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-11
Updated: 2009-05-11
Packaged: 2018-02-18 18:35:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2358062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyarorain/pseuds/Kyarorain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sonic is believed to be the Iblis trigger, Shadow is crazy about guns and Amy is feeling left out. It's only the beginning as Sonic and friends find a lot of random things are happening.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sonicalypse

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very random, absurd and silly Sonic fanfic I wrote some years ago. I guess you could call it a commentary on the current Sonic games at the time (the fourth wall does not exist) It's completely nonsensical. Oh, there's Princess Elise bashing. A lot of Elise bashing. Elise fans should stay away.
> 
> It's not exactly complete, but I don't plan on continuing it so excuse the abrupt 'ending'.

 

 

Shadow the Hedgehog sat at the bar among a bunch of tough looking men, who all had muscles, tattoos and scars and everything else that makes people look "bad-ass" and not like they will run crying for their mommies.

 

"So." Shadow hiccupped as he slammed down his pint glass of Budweiser. "All these filthy aliens, like, they try to make me one of them but I don't like that, so I totally owned the damn things. I mean, geez, I gotta have a life of my own. This is who I am!"

 

"Why are we listening to this crazy hedgehog?" A man with a huge scar on his face asked. He got that scar when he was ten years old and pulled a cat's tail. The cat was more violent than most cats, honest.

 

"You got a problem with me?" Shadow slammed his hands on the counter and leaped to his feet, standing on the stool.

 

"Yeah, shut yer damn mouth!" The man yelled.

 

"Shall we take this outside?" Shadow demanded, whipping out a machine gun from nowhere.

 

"Hell, yeah!" The man whipped out a Glock.

 

Shadow and the man stomped outside. Several bursts of gunfire later, the man was lying in a pool of his blood. Shadow ran away and stole a Ferrari, dragging out the driver and flinging him onto the pavement, then sped through the city, occasionally running people over. At one point, he ran over a woman and money popped out. Shadow curiously grabbed the money and then struck a pose. "Hell, yeah!" he yelled. "It's Shadow Theft Auto, baby!"

 

An envelope dropped onto his head and knocked him to the ground. Shadow blinked and sat on the pavement, ripping open the envelope. He pulled out the letter and read it very carefully.

 

_Dear Shadow the Hedgehog,_

_You are not remotely connected to RockStar in any way so you have no right to the name of Grand Theft Auto. Desist, or we shall sue your ass and then sick Tommy Vercetti on you. You wouldn't like that now, would you?_

_RockStar_

 

"Killjoys," Shadow growled, bunching up a fist. "I could take on that puny wimp Vercetti any day of the week and kick his ass to the moon. Who do they think I am? Who am I?" He clutched his head. "MARIA!!!" Five minutes later, Shadow was done angsting and stole another car. He went for a spin as police cars chased him. But Shadow easily lost them with Chaos Control. However, he was drunk, so Chaos Control didn't work as well as he expected.

 

"Where am I?" Shadow glanced around the fiery dungeon he had found himself in. "Wow, it's hot as hell in here."

 

"Yo." A hedgehog with fiery red eyes popped out from behind a wall. "I'm one of the new hedgehogs in the next generation game for PS3 and Xbox 360."

 

" _Another_ hedgehog?" Shadow looked crestfallen. "But we already have Sonic, Amy, me and that Silver guy."

 

"Don't look at me!" The red-eyed hedgehog snapped, green irises glowing eerily in the darkness. "No, wait, do look at me. Am I awesome looking or what? I have these crystal limbs and stuff. Check it out!"

 

"You really just look like me." Shadow narrowed his eyes. "They must have been having an off day in the character creation department. Some guy probably said 'Hey! Let's pretend Shadow was dipped in a crystal bath and make it a new character!' Geez."

 

"Take that back!" The hedgehog dived at Shadow, who dodged. He promptly smacked into the ground and winced.

 

"And last thing we need is more yaoi pairings," Shadow snapped. "So what's your name then? Does it begin with S too?"

 

"I don't know," the hedgehog replied. "You'll have to ask Sonic Team."

 

"Well, I bet it begins with S like Sonic, Shadow, and Silver!" Shadow grinned. "So, um… can I call you Siegmund?"

 

"NO!" The hedgehog leaped into the air and threw a shiny blue ball of electricity.

 

"Seth?" Shadow dodged the electricity. "Silas? Saskatchewan? Come on, I'm all for suggestions! How about Smee?"

 

"GET OUT!!!"

 

"Okay, see you later." Shadow nimbly Chaos Controlled out of there.

 

The next morning, Sonic and Amy were walking in the street. Oddly, there were chalk silhouettes and tape lines everywhere and a lot of policemen around. Why that was, they had no idea.

 

"So, Sonic, where are we going today?" Amy chirped. "Maybe we could go and find a nice church to get married in."

 

"No thanks." Sonic quickened his pace. "Anyway, I'm supposed to be saving this princess chick from Eggman."

 

"Huh?" Amy stopped and blinked slowly. "Eggman… kidnapped a girl… who isn't me… and you're still going to save her?"

 

"Well, I have to!" Sonic swerved around and looked at her. "I'm supposed to be the hero, remember?"

 

"And then what?" Amy fell to her knees and bawled. "Eggman doesn't even find me worth kidnapping anymore! He kidnapped some other girl to bait you! That's so unfair!" She cried louder.

 

"Oh, heck," Sonic whipped out his cellphone and dialed a number, then put it to his ear. "Hey, Eggman, Amy's jealous. I think she wants you to kidnap her or something."

 

"No!" Eggman exclaimed, furtively glancing around the room. "I can't have another hostage right now!"

 

"You kidnapped Princess Elise because she knew about these Flames of Disaster, right?" Sonic paused, allowing Eggman to grunt out a yes. "Well, I think Amy knows stuff too."

 

"Really?" Eggman looked nervously at the door and cringed as Elise walked into view, waving her knickers in the air. The sight was almost enough to make him faint from horror. "I'll be right over!" He hung up the phone and ran for dear life.

 

"Eggy-poo!" Elise wailed. "I'm cold in bed!"

 

"Eggman will be over soon." Sonic rubbed Amy's back comfortingly. "He'll kidnap you and I'll spend the entire game saving you and then someone will complain I'm getting repetitive for saving you all the time."

 

"Really?" Amy sniffled and then glomped Sonic. "Thank you!"

 

"Heh, no problem." Sonic gulped.

 

Sonic and Amy resumed walking down the street and then Eggman came zooming over in the Eggmobile.

 

"Hah hah!" Eggman laughed. "I have come to capture Amy Rose!"

 

"Oh no!" Amy cried. "Sonic, it's Dr. Eggman!"

 

"Eggman!" Sonic growled. "I won't let you have Amy!"

 

"You cannot stop me." Eggman hovered the craft until he was above Amy and snatched her up with a grabber built in the bottom.

 

"Ahh!" Amy flailed about. "Save me, Sonic!"

 

"Amy!" Sonic cried out, standing perfectly still.

 

"Um, Sonic?" Amy spoke hesitantly as Eggman started flying away. "You can save me now. Sonic! SONIC!"

 

"Huh? Did she say something?" Sonic rubbed one ear with a finger, watching Eggman disappear into the distance with the captive Amy. "Nah, I must be imagining things."

 

"Hahahahaha!" Eggman laughed again as he flew towards his base. "So, Amy, what do you know about the Flames of Disaster?"

 

"Uhh…" Amy frowned. "Is that what you call fire?"

 

"Keep your secrets if you like." Eggman flew into the hangar. "I'll just force it out of you later!" He released Amy and got out. "Now come into the base."

 

"Okay." Amy walked alongside him. "Do you have a Hedgehog Hammer game here? I like that game."

 

"No," Eggman said shortly. Even if he did, he wasn't going to let that pesky hedgehog beat his high score again. He led her all the way to his living quarters where he was keeping Elise. It was better to keep the hostages in one place.

 

"Wow, this sofa looks so comfy!" Amy threw herself on a couch. "Can I have some biscuits?"

 

"No!" Eggman exclaimed.

 

"Eggy~!" A trilling voice floated into the lounge.

 

"Eggy?" Amy turned her head towards the voice. "Who would call you Eggy?"

 

"Nobody!" Eggman growled, his entire face tomato red. "I wish I'd made her call me Robotnik instead now. You can't get a stupid sounding nickname out of that, can you?"

 

Princess Elise bounded into the room, buck naked. Amy stared, gaping like a goldfish, and then fainted. Eggman screamed as Elise threw herself at him. Fortunately, Amy was spared from the horrendous sight.

 

Sonic was now comfortably seated in one of Soleanna's finest diners, tucking into a delicious cheeseburger. When his stomach rumbled, eating was more important than saving the hostage of the day. He would save Amy later. A white hedgehog ran into the diner and marched up to Sonic's table, eyes narrowed intently. He fixed his stare on Sonic and just stared.

 

"Can I help you, Silver?" Sonic threw aside a pickle in disgust and swallowed his chunk of cheeseburger.

 

"I'm trying to decide if you're the Iblis Trigger or not," Silver shrugged casually. "So… are you?"

  
"Well…" Sonic paused. "Who _is_ Iblis again?"

 

"Iblis is the devil!" Silver rolled his eyes. "Sheesh, how can you not know that?"

 

"So… there's a Satan trigger?" Sonic blinked. "Is there a God trigger as well? You know, God being Satan's counterpart and all."

 

"Stop asking stupid questions!" Silver exclaimed. "I swear you're the spawn of Satan, and I'm gonna prove it too! Somehow!" He turned and ran out of the diner, fuming.

 

"I don't get it," Sonic stared at the cheeseburger. "I've saved the world countless times, I defeated Perfect Chaos, I helped stop Space Colony ARK from hitting the Earth, I stopped Gizoid from blowing the planet up and I kicked Metal Sonic's shiny metal ass when he went nuts. Is there something evil about me that I'm not seeing? How can I possibly trigger the devil?"

 

There was a thud. Sonic turned his head to see a fainted nun on the ground. Why was a nun in the diner? He had absolutely no idea, so he went to go and see Tails.

 

Tails was in his workshop, trying to make the Tornado super powerful and all that jazz.

  
"Hey, Sonic," Tails greeted Sonic with a cheery wave of the spanner. "What brings you here?"

 

"Silver thinks I'm evil!" Sonic sat on a bench. "He thinks I'm the Iblis Trigger but wouldn't the Iblis Trigger have to be… well, evil?"

 

"Hmm…" Tails tapped the spanner against his chin. "Maybe Iblis is triggered on accident."

 

"Maybe we should wait for the game to come out before making crazy assumptions?" Sonic suggested.

 

"Sure!" Tails replied. "It really stinks that I'm not going to be involved in the gameplay. Remember when I used to follow you around in the levels?"

 

"Heh, yeah." Sonic grinned. "But I guess times are changing. We've already got a gun-toting hedgehog who shoots killer aliens. At this rate, Shadow might have some Grand Theft Auto-style game, certificate 18."

 

An envelope fell on Sonic's head out of nowhere.

  
"Cool, fanmail!" Sonic ripped open the envelope.

 

_Dear Sonic the Hedgehog,_

_That was not funny. Desist or we will sue._

_RockStar_

 

"This isn't fanmail!" Sonic scrunched the letter up and tossed it into a dark and dusty corner. "Why are people so obsessed with checkerboard hills?"

 

"Huh?" Tails raised an eyebrow as he poked around the machinery.

 

"You have people who want old-style back and people who like change," Sonic continued. "Change is all well and good. But ask the people who like old-style what they want back and it's all checkerboard hills and stuff. I prefer purple stripes myself."

 

"We were never in a level with purple stripes, Sonic." Tails raised an eyebrow.

 

"Sarcasm, Tails, pure sarcasm." Sonic leaned back against the wall and yawned. "I kind of like being in 3D and getting to run around all these radical levels. I don't care about checkerboard. They probably have checkerboard wallpaper."

 

"Sonic…" Tails said slowly. "I'm kind of… busy… could you go elsewhere?" Actually, he just disliked listening to Sonic ramble on. He wasn't even sure what Sonic was rambling about anymore.

 

"Do you think I'm the Iblis Trigger?" Sonic looked accusingly at Tails.

 

"Of course not!" Tails looked wounded. "How could you accuse me of such a thing, Sonic?"

 

"They are all wrong," Sonic muttered under his breath. "I'll prove them wrong."

 

"Sonic?" Tails frowned. "Are you okay? You look paranoid."

 

"Paranoid? Me?" Sonic's eyes darted back and forth. "I don't know what you're talking about!" Sonic's cellphone let out a shrill ring and he snatched it up. "Hello?"

 

"Sonic!" Eggman bleated mournfully. "Hurry up and save this wretched princess!" He glanced down at the naked princess hugging his leg. "Please!"

 

"I want to talk to Sonic!" Amy cried out. "I need to ask him to marry me again!"

 

"Shut up!" Eggman shouted. "I can't think with a crazy lady on my leg and an insane pink hedgehog babbling away!"

 

"You want me to save Princess Elise?" Sonic whipped out his appointment book and flicked through it. "Okay, I'm free Wednesday next week."

 

"What?" Eggman almost exploded. "Sonic, you're supposed to be the hero and save people! How can you leave it for so long?"

 

"I'm fully booked, Eggman, old pal." Sonic shrugged. "I've got to be at a prize-giving ceremony tomorrow, then the day after that, I've got a masseuse coming in, then there's my vacation at a hotel this weekend, then on Monday I'm going to visit Knuckles on Angel Island with Tails…"

 

"You miserable hedgehog!" Eggman yelled. "You'll pay dearly for this!" He slammed the phone down.

 

"When's Sonic coming to save me?" Amy asked.

 

"Wednesday, next week," Eggman said sourly. "He's booked up with prize givings, massages, vacation and paying visits."

 

"What?" Amy looked crestfallen. "I've got to spend all week with you and that naked princess?"

 

"You can leave any time." Eggman gritted his teeth. "I mean that."

 

"Hmm… no, I'll wait for Sonic to come save me." Amy settled back on the cushion and sighed happily. "Ahh…"

 

"WHY?!" Eggman wailed, falling to the ground. "WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHY AM I BEING TREATED LIKE THIS?"

 

"Eggy-poo!" Elise simpered. "I don't want that silly Sonic to save me. I want to stay with you forever!"

 

"Mommy!" Eggman broke down into tears.

 

"Wow, I think he's having a nervous breakdown." Amy's jaw dropped.

 

Shadow jogged down the street, receiving the usual fangirlish screams and random questions people fired at him.

 

"SHADOW!" A fangirl leaped at Shadow, eyes sparkling like crazy.

 

"Out of my way." Shadow shoved the fangirl aside then stopped and stared. The fangirl reminded him of Maria somehow. Oh yes! It was the way her nose curved! It was just like Maria!

 

"Maria." Shadow fell to his knees and sniffled. "Why must you haunt me so? STOP HAUNTING ME!"

 

"Hey, Shadow." A pimpled fat kid walked up to him. "Did you know that some people think you're what Poochie is to Itchy and Scratchy? Ha ha!" He walked away, leaving a very confused hedgehog behind.

 

"Poochie? Itchy? Scratchy?" Shadow blinked. "What the heck are they anyway?"

 

"Shadow!" A drooling fangirl draped herself over Shadow. "Hey, want to read my ultra cool lemon where you bang Sonic up the ass?"

 

"NO WAY!" Shadow ripped out a machine gun and filled the drooling fangirl with several holes. "Stupid yaoi fangirls." He pocketed the gun and ran away, as the sound of police sirens filled the air. Wow, that was fast. Shadow came to a stop at the edge of a cliff and let out a melancholy sigh, gazing down at the waves. "Why was I born? Why do I exist? Why? I shouldn't exist, I shouldn't be here. Let the sweet embrace of death claim me! Angst!"

 

The sound of cars brought Shadow out of his angsty reverie and he turned to find himself surrounded by police cars. "Shadow the Hedgehog!" A policeman aimed a rifle. "You are under arrest for murder! Do not resist capture!"

 

"Aw, crap, time to fake my death," Shadow muttered. He leaped back and sailed off the cliff, screaming as bullets rattled overhead. Shadow managed to Chaos Control right before he hit the waves and landed on a roof. "Hmm?" Shadow leaped down and peered through the window to see rabbits eating tea. "Maybe I should hide here."

 

Cream the Rabbit let out a cry of shock as Shadow limped in, clutching an arm. Vanilla immediately jumped up and rushed over to the apparently injured hedgehog's aid.

 

"Are you okay?" Vanilla fussed. "You look terrible!"

 

"I just… need… to rest…" Shadow gasped before fainting.

 

"Is this one of your friends?" Vanilla glanced at her daughter.

  
"Kinda, Mom," Cream replied hesitantly. "I know him, but not that well."

 

"Chao, chao," Cheese the chao agreed.

 

Silver the Hedgehog walked along the beach, gazing into the sky. He waved his hand at a rock and threw it into the sea. Telekinesis sure was a fun power to have. "I must prove that Sonic is evil somehow." Silver clenched a fist. "If I don't, then nobody will believe he's the Iblis Trigger. Or maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree and need to do more research. Maybe I should try Google." In the end, Silver just ended up interviewing random anthropomorphic furries that happened to know Sonic.

 

"How did you get up here?" Knuckles stood guardedly in front of his Master Emerald. "Huh? You flew up here with an eagle? I didn't know you could do that."

 

"Enough of that," Silver said cheerfully. "What is Sonic the Hedgehog like?" He hoisted a camera on his shoulder.

  
"What's that?" Knuckles pointed at the camera.

 

"Just answer the question," Silver hissed.

 

"Sonic? We fight a lot," Knuckles smacked his fists together. "And I apparently don't trust him one bit. Dr. Eggman keeps telling me Sonic wants the Master Emerald and I keep believing him. But I'll never let Sonic get my Master Emerald. Never!"

 

"Has Sonic ever shown any…" Silver paused. "Objectionable traits? Like, has he ever acted evil or done something wrong?"

 

"Who the heck are you anyway?" Knuckles raged. "Who do you think you are to come up here and ask me dumb questions? You'd better get off Angel Island right now or I'll give you a knuckle sandwich!"

 

"So… you believe Sonic's an all around good guy then?" Silver backed away.

 

"Well, of course he is!" Knuckles swung his fists at Silver, who screamed and ran off the island. Fortunately, the eagle was there to carry Silver to safety.

 

"Note to self, stay away from Knuckles the Echidna," Silver whimpered.

 

Next, Silver tried Tails in his workshop. Sonic had run off to do an autograph session so Tails was alone.

 

"Has Sonic ever acted like a bad guy?" Silver thrust the camera in Tails's face.

 

"No," Tails whimpered. "Sonic's good. He's always fought Dr. Eggman, and other enemies. He's saved the world many times. How can you think Sonic's a bad guy?"

  
"You used to follow Sonic a lot, right?" Silver smirked. "Is it true that Sonic used to leave you behind to eat dust all the time?"

 

"Well, yes." Tails gulped. "But I always caught up!"

 

"Didn't it ever seem like Sonic was avoiding you?" Silver pressed.

 

"No…" Tails said in a small voice. "I don't think so…"

 

"And in the intro movie of Sonic 2 for the Game Gear, Sonic chases Eggman while he has you captive, yet Sonic can't grab you from him," Silver continued. "Maybe he did that on purpose?"

 

"He spent the entire game coming to rescue me," Tails protested.

 

"Ah, this is no good," Silver grumbled. "I will find out the truth behind Sonic! Just you wait!" He ran out of the workshop. Silver then went to Eggman's base.

 

"Sonic?" Eggman pushed away the nude Elise. "Yes! Rotten to the core! I want him to get this stupid whore away from me but he won't come until Wednesday next week! And I've spent years trying to take over the world, but Sonic keeps stopping me. He keeps blowing up my bases and destroying the robots I've worked so hard on. It's unfair, I tell you, I just want to rule the world."

 

"Ahh, Sonic," Amy sighed. "Yes, Sonic is a mean, mean hedgehog! I want to marry Sonic but every time I ask, he refuses! He is a horrible hedgehog who ignores me and won't look at me twice! Bring him down!" She slammed a fist against the arm of the sofa.

 

Then Silver tried Rouge.

 

"Silver?" Rouge narrowed her eyes. "Knuckles warned me to stay away from you, he said you're crazy."

 

"Is Sonic a good guy or a bad guy?" Silver asked desperately.

 

"You need to ask?" Rouge shook her head then flew away.

 

"Ugh." Silver sat down and glared at the camera. "If Sonic is such a good guy, then how is he the Iblis Trigger? This isn't making sense."

 

In the evening, Shadow took Cream out to a restaurant. He claimed he wanted to reward her for helping look after him, but after having to put up with an annoyingly cute chatty rabbit and a chao, who knew what Shadow was really thinking?

  
"Thank you, Mister Shadow," Cream bobbed her head as she reached for the menu. "What do you think I would like?" Her eyes scanned the menu.

 

"Don't bother," Shadow took the menu from Cream's hands and winked. "I've got an idea of what you might like."

  
"Oh!" Cream clapped her hands together. "Okay, Mister Shadow!"

 

Shadow ordered drinks then when it was time to order food, he ended up whispering to the waiter. Cream tried to hear but she didn't quite manage it.

 

"What did you ask for, Mister Shadow?" Cream asked.

 

"Steak and chips for myself," Shadow responded. "And a pie for you. But I'm not telling you what's in it."

 

"Okay then." Cream swung her legs back and forth. "I like apple pie. Mom makes yummy apple pie. And that banana toffee pie is real nice too. Pie is yummy!"

 

"It's a meat pie, Cream." Shadow drummed his fingers against the table top as he patiently waited for the food.

 

Eventually, the food came, and Cream tucked into her pie with relish. Shadow slowly savored his steak, a twisted grin on his face as he watched Cream gulping down the pie.

 

"I love this pie!" Cream licked her lips. "You're great, Mister Shadow!"

 

"No problem," Shadow chuckled quietly. Suddenly, an image of Maria popped into his mind and he clutched his head. "Maria… are you mad at me? No, I don't care. She doesn't remind me of Maria at all. But… her eyes are so bright… like Maria's…"

 

Half an hour later, Shadow walked out, Cream holding onto his hand and skipping along.

 

"What was in the pie, Mister Shadow?" Cream asked. "Was it chicken? It tasted a bit like chicken."

  
"It was…" Shadow cocked an eye at her. "Rabbit pie!"

 

Cream gasped and stood still, her hand letting go of Shadow's.

  
"You're a cannibal!" Shadow pointed at Cream and laughed.

 

"Was it… a two-legged rabbit?" Cream's eyes wobbled. "That talked… like me?"

 

"Uh…" Shadow broke off his laughter. "No, not really. It was just an ordinary Earth rabbit."

 

"Phew!" Cream giggled. "You really scared me there, Mister Shadow!"

 

"Let's just get back to your house," Shadow snapped, taking Cream's hand and leading her back. His evil plan had failed! He should have left the little rabbit a traumatized wreck, but no, she understood the difference between non-sentient animals and anthropomorphs!

 

Night changed to day and Sonic went to the prize-giving ceremony. He totally didn't feel guilty about the fact he was doing this instead of saving people. Amy would be fine, she would probably escape anyway. As for Elise? Sonic didn't care at all. People were cheering him on and he was being festooned with awards. What could be better than this?

 

"And the secondary hero prize…" The prize-giver paused. "Is awarded to Shadow the Hedgehog!"

 

Sonic gaped. Shadow got a hero award? But they were all supposed to go to him, Sonic! Shadow walked up onto the stage and grinned as he received the award. He leaned towards the mike to deliver his speech.

 

"Thank you, thank you." Shadow bowed. "This is a great honor. I would like to give my thanks to two people I knew fifty years ago, Gerald and Maria Robotnik. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have bothered saving Earth from Space Colony ARK and the Black Arms aliens."

 

The audience went silent, all of them utterly confused. It hadn't occurred to them that Shadow was fifty years old. He didn't even look fifty.

 

"Heh," Sonic walked onto the stage. "You confused them, Shadow."

 

"But how?" Shadow complained. "What I said made perfect sense. I remembered Maria's wish and stopped the ARK from falling, then when the aliens were trying to control me, the Chaotix played Gerald's tape and snapped me out of it so I could kick Black Doom's butt."

 

"It's the fifty years ago thing," Sonic replied. "Never mind, audience, Shadow's just getting revenge for being confused all the time so he's trying to confuse you." He pulled the complaining Shadow off the stage.

 

"I am NOT confused!" Shadow yelled, smacking Sonic over the head with his trophy.

 

"Ow!" Sonic retaliated and smacked Shadow with his own trophy. "You can't even decide if you're good or bad half the time! I'd call that confused!"

 

Sonic and Shadow bickered their way out of the awards building and a deadly silence fell over everything. The two hedgehogs slowly turned around to see a horde of drooling fangirls, their beady, sparkly eyes fixed fast on the two.

 

"Oh no…" Sonic whispered.

 

"Oh, damn!" Shadow hissed.

 

"Iblis Trigger!" Silver walked in between the hedgehogs and the fangirls, pointing accusingly at Sonic.

 

"Get away, you idiot!" Sonic cried out. "The fangirls are about to…"

 

All hell suddenly broke loose.

 

"OMG! SONIC! SHADOW! SILVER! TOGETHER!"

 

"Huh?" Silver blinked in confusion, as several fangirls piled upon him. One of them swiftly jabbed him with tranquilizer and he nodded off seconds later, utterly unaware of his plight.

 

"Shoot!" Shadow started running.

 

"We've got to help Silver!" Sonic backed away from the rabid fangirls.

 

"Sonic!" A squealing fangirl yelled at him. "Will you **** Shadow up the *** for me?"

 

"On second thoughts, I'm out of here!" Sonic ran away.

 

"There's only one way to deal with these pests!" Shadow whipped out a Beretta, but then stopped and stared.

 

"Shadow?" Sonic looked over his shoulder and skidded to a halt. "Why did you stop?"

 

"Maria," Shadow whispered, staring at an unbelievably beautiful fangirl with long blonde hair, blue eyes and blue clothes. She was the spitting image of Maria!

 

"Yes!" A fangirl hissed. "The Maria cosplay trick worked! Get him!"

 

Sonic winced as the fangirls piled upon Shadow and tranquilized him. "That was pretty low of them. Do I have to save Shadow and Silver?"

 

"I can't believe you would back out of a heroic mission like that!" Tails exclaimed from behind Sonic. "They need saving!"

  
"Where did you come from?" Sonic looked at Tails in surprise.

 

"Uh, hello? I was there at the awards ceremony," Tails reminded him.

 

"Oh yeah, now I remember!" Sonic exclaimed. He turned to watch the fangirls who were now dragging Shadow and Silver away in fishing nets. "Ow, that's going to hurt later on."

 

"Let's go, Sonic!" Tails punched the air. "We gotta save them!"

 

"I'm scared of the fangirls," Sonic whimpered, as he slowly followed the drooling mob that slunk away with their helpless captives.

 

"Sonic x Silver!"

 

"Shadow x Silver!"

 

"No way! Sonic x Shadow, you n00bs!"

 

"NO! THREESOME!"

 

"DROOL!!!"

 

"Why do I have to do this?" Sonic shuddered as he hid behind a garbage can.

 

"Because it's the right thing to do," Tails protested. "They aren't that scary, are they?"

 

"SHADOW IS TOTALLY HAWT!"

 

"SILVER IS HOTTER!"

 

"SHADOW!"

 

"OMG SHADOW DROOL!"

 

"Why does Shadow get all the fangirls anyway?" Sonic complained.

 

"Let's see, it might be because he has angst and now he has guns to impress his adoring fans," Tails responded. "Or his looks."

 

"I used to be the popular one." Sonic sulked. "Back when I could count the number of friends I had on one hand, mind you. But now Shadow gets to be all heroic and stuff. Why hasn't Silver accused HIM of being the Iblis Trigger?"

 

"The game needs to come out already." Tails rubbed his head. "All these questions and rumors are exhausting. Have you heard people think you're going to have a relationship with Princess Elise?"

 

Sonic promptly had a seizure and fell over in a faint.

  
"Oh no." Tails dragged him behind a hedge before the fangirls could turn and notice the third fallen hedgehog. They continued taking Shadow and Silver into captivity, leaving Tails alone in the street. "Sonic?" Tails poked Sonic. "You're not faking this by any chance, are you?" He whipped out a feather and tickled Sonic's stomach with it. Sonic didn't even twitch. "Yeah, I guess not." Tails sighed and put his head in his hands, gazing off into the distance as he waited for Sonic to wake up.

 

Back in Eggman's base, Eggman was trying to cope with his nervous breakdown and the fact a naked whore was clinging tightly to him. Amy was doodling Sonic all over the walls and that also annoyed him.

 

"Why did I even kidnap you?" Eggman stormed at the starry eyed princess.

 

"Because I know about the Flames of Disaster!" Elise cried. "Do you want me to tell you about them?"

 

"Yes, please!" Eggman whipped out a notepad and pen.

 

"Anything for you, my dear Eggy." Elise promptly started telling Eggman everything she knew about the Flames of Disaster, whatever the heck they were supposed to be. Eggman wrote down every word.

 

"Oh, Sonic." Amy sighed dreamily as she gazed at her latest drawing of Sonic. "When will you realize my love for you and take my hand in marriage?"

 

Five minutes later, Elise had told Eggman everything and he would be satisfied, if she wasn't clinging to his leg and showering him with endearments.

 

"Amy!" Eggman wheedled. "Please hit her with your hammer!"

  
"Why should I?" Amy turned and narrowed her eyes. "I'm not doing anything for you."

 

"You know, there's a rumor going round the grapevine lately." Eggman grinned.

 

"Um… so?" Amy tapped a foot. "What's the rumor?"

  
"That Sonic and Princess Elise will have a relationship!"

 

Amy gasped, stunned. People were daring to spread rumors that HER Sonic would actually have a romantic fling with that whore of a princess? Never! Her eyes blazed red and an aura of fire surged around her.

 

"Yes, that's it!" Eggman grinned wider as Amy marched forwards with the hammer. "Punish her for trying to take your precious Sonic from you!"

 

With an almighty thud, Amy's hammer impacted with Elise's skull. The princess collapsed in a faint. Amy smugly put her hammer away and glared at the human girl.

 

"You better stay away from my Sonic!" Amy said threateningly. "And I'll find those rumor makers and make them pay!"

 

"Last thing we need is another Chris Thorndyke." Eggman got a robot to drag Elise away to a prison cell, along with some clothes. "Now could you please leave my base?"

 

"Okay!" Amy chirped. "Goodbye, Dr. Eggman!" She turned and ran out, leaving Eggman alone.

 

"I finally have my base back to myself! Yay!" Eggman cheered.

 

Knuckles polished the Master Emerald vigorously, making sure that this extra coat of shine was perfect. Now the Master Emerald was all sparkly and clean and he could even see himself on the surface. "All I ever seem to do is watch the Master Emerald and polish it," he muttered. "I sure miss the old Angel Island. This new one's too small and I don't even have shelter from rain and storms. How the heck am I even alive? Where do I even get food from?"

 

A fly hovered overhead and then settled comfortably onto the Master Emerald, provoking a gasp of shock from Knuckles. It was his duty to guard the Master Emerald and this fly was actually on it! His fist slammed roughly into the surface, knocking out the fly and sending it flying off somewhere to rest in peace. "Are you okay, Master Emerald?" Knuckles talked soothingly, rubbing the Master Emerald. "That horrible, evil fly is never going to touch you ever again. You know, I kind of preferred it when I had a huge island, you sat in Hidden Palace and I didn't have to watch you day and night."

 

"You actually talk to that thing?" Rouge fluttered down from the sky and smirked. "Wow, Knuckles, you really need to get off this island more often."

 

"Well, the way this stupid island is now, all I'd have to do is leave the island and someone could just zoom overhead and grab the thing." Knuckles frowned. "I don't get it. In the past, this was an emerald shrine, but became Angel Island and it looked just like Angel Island does now. So what happened to that really big island I used to have?"

 

"You pretend it was never that big?" Rouge suggested.

  
"Well, crap." Knuckles leaned against the Master Emerald. "But I even had a carnival! And there was a lava place and a city of water and a desert full of quicksand. Now that I think about it, that island was awfully dangerous to live on."

 

"Um…" Rouge hesitated. "Knuckles, isn't leaning against that quite uncomfortable?"

 

"Oh, I get it!" Knuckles exclaimed. "You want me to move away and you hope I'll start talking again, and then you'll grab it and fly away!"

 

"You're too intelligent, echidna." Rouge pouted. "You know, it's my birthday next week. I could do with a nice, big present."

 

"Forget it!" Knuckles shook a fist. "I'm not giving you my Master Emerald!"

 

"Well, can I at least have a present?"

 

"Okay…"

 

So, one fine day, Sonic Next-Gen came out. People were appalled at how much it resembled a bad fanfic. The evil hedgehog wasn't even a hedgehog, it was a bit of a demon and had the cheesiest name ever. Nobody could keep a straight face when hearing the name "Mephiles the Dark" after all. Elise the evil whore was the true Iblis Trigger and she was also exposed as a necrophiliac into bestiality, as she kissed a dead hedgehog. Oddly, Amy did not go insane in rage. Time was reset at the end, making the entire game pointless. And Sega continues to churn out crappy games with the belief they don't have enough characters.

 

Sonic woke up on the 23rd June 2007 from a wonderful dream where his franchise hadn't started to suck and the games weren't pure tripe. When it hit him that it was a dream, he wanted to go right back to sleep. However, he couldn't, for Eggman had just chucked a bowling ball through his window. Sonic sleepily dragged himself to the broken window and looked in annoyance at the doctor who was in a floating mech.

 

"What is it?" Sonic exclaimed. "I was trying to sleep!"

 

"Don't you know what day it is today?" Eggman asked, sounding surprised. "Why, it's our 16th anniversary!"

 

"Yeah, and I jumped the shark for my 10th apparently," Sonic said glumly. He was of the belief that Sonic Adventure 2 was the last of the great games. Well, console-wise naturally. Sonic Heroes was awful. Sonic Next-Gen was just as bad. Sonic and the Secret Rings was more of a spin-off than anything. And he wasn't about to acknowledge Sonic Riders. It was just a skateboard game!

 

"How can you be so glum on a day like this?" Eggman asked in disbelief. "We get to eat cake! But you know what a great birthday present would be? World domination of course!"

 

Sonic just rolled his eyes in response then had a sudden thought. "Hey, when was the last time you were the final boss in a console game? Not the handheld ones."

 

Eggman fell silent as he thought about it. "Well… Chaos was the last boss in Sonic Adventure. In Sonic Adventure 2, it was Biolizard or Finalhazard. Metal Sonic in Heroes-"

  
"That never happened," Sonic interrupted. "Metal Sonic never got brutally violated through some horrific transformation and cheesy plot for world domination. Understand?"

 

Eggman just ignored Sonic. "Then Solaris in the game that never actually happened. You're right, I have not been the final boss in… forever. Why do I no longer get the honor of getting spectacularly blown up in order to end the game?"

 

"And when did I last fight a final boss when I wasn't, you know, _Super Sonic_?" Sonic asked, sounding exasperated. "I tell you, I'm tired of being in a situation where the almighty final boss requires me to power up! Why can't I remain my cool blue self? You know what? You can have the Chaos Emeralds, Eggman, I refuse to-"

 

"That's all well and dandy," Eggman interrupted. "But they keep going off for walks or something! How do you explain that at the end of every game, the Emeralds are together for you to go Super but by the next game, you have to find them all over again?"

 

"Hey, Sonic!" Tails bounded into the room, grinning. "Happy birthday!"

 

"Anniversary, Tails," Sonic corrected. "I'm not getting any older."

 

"So… what do you want to do today?" Tails asked.

  
"Hello!" Eggman yelled. "I'm right here! Why don't you congratulate me as well?"

 

"Aren't you supposed to be our enemy though?" Tails looked confused.

 

"Honestly, Tails, I don't even know what he is anymore," Sonic said wearily. "But I think he still wants world domination."

 

"That's right!" Eggman shouted. "But every time I try, it seems some powerful monster tries to destroy the world instead and all hedgehogs in the surrounding area immediately go Super and kick its ass. Except Amy."

 

"That's a good point," Tails said. "Sonic can go Super. Shadow can go Super. Silver can do it too. Then why not Amy?"

 

"Nobody is going Super!" Sonic yelled, stomping out of the room.

 

Tails blinked, stupefied by Sonic's sudden outburst, then looked questioningly at Eggman.

 

"He's tired of going Super just to fight final bosses," Eggman explained.

 

"Well, next time he can just die. Again. And we'll just revive him and he'll go Super by force," Tails said. "Happy anniversary." Then he left the room to go find Sonic.

 

Sonic was currently in the bathroom, contemplating using the shower curtain to hang himself.

 

"Hey, Sonic!" Tails exclaimed. "We're going to have your birthday party now, and I invited everyone who has ever been in the games! There are so many more characters than there were… ten years ago, I guess. How times change."

 

"Aw, man," Sonic said, groaning, "does that include Marine? Or those birds from Riders?"  
 

"Yep!" Tails nodded. "What's wrong? Don't you want all the newer characters there? I'm sure there will be even more of them next year!"

 

"NO!" Sonic screamed, running away. "NO MORE NEW CHARACTERS!" He stopped at the front door to see Amy.

 

"Hi, Sonic!" Amy glomped him. "Happy birthday! As a birthday present, I will accept a marriage proposal."

 

"You have to go to the party!" Tails exclaimed. "Everyone is there, except Amy, and Eggman because he's on the way there right now. Knuckles, Shadow, Rouge, Blaze, Big, Charmy, Vector, Espio, Cream, Cheese, Vanilla, Mighty, Ray, Marine, Jet, Wave, Storm, Fang, Tikal, Chaos, Bean and Bark are all there!"

 

"That's… a lot…" Sonic moaned. "And how can Blaze and Marine be here? They don't exist in our world!"

 

"They fell down a plothole," Tails replied. "And ended up here somehow."

 

Even though Sonic didn't actually want to, he ended up having to go to the party. Like Tails had said, everyone was there, much to his dismay. He hated to be reminded how Sega loved to put at least one new character in every new game they made.

 

"Hey, why isn't Silver here?" Blaze asked Tails.

 

"Because he's in the future," Tails replied. "Maybe if we stay alive along enough, we can meet him, but... come to think of it, shouldn't time being reversed have reversed your being sent to another dimension as well?"

 

"I hate these fucking plotholes," Blaze cursed, taking a swig from her champagne glass.

 

"By 'eck! You said a bad word!" Marine cried from nearby. "A sheila shouldn't curse so freely around children!" Blaze just flipped the bird, causing her to gasp. "Well, golly! Strewth, you are so rude."

 

"Hi!" Cream bounced up to Marine. "My name's Cream!"

 

"G'day," Marine replied, then started babbling in a very strong Australian accent that caused Cream to become so confused she fainted. Cheese poked her, wondering why she was unconscious.

 

Sonic was sulking in a corner, chugging back his sixth can of lager. He wanted to get so horribly drunk he would pass out and miss the rest of the party. Then he spotted Mighty, chatting to Ray the Flying Squirrel nearby, and decided to go over for a talk.

 

"Yo." Sonic stumbled over. "Hey, Mighty, whatever happened to you? Why didn't you reappear with Vector, Espio and Charmy?"

 

"Does anybody even remember who the hell I am?" Ray asked.

 

Sonic took one look at him. "Uh. Not really."

 

Ray promptly ran away crying.

 

Mighty watched him leave, then let out a heavy sigh. "Sonic, he starred with us in the Japan only arcade game, SegaSonic Arcade, that was never rereleased. It was a heck of a long time ago. I was in it before even Knuckles' Chaotix."

 

"I'm not even originally part of Chaotix either!" Vector jumped in. "I was going to be in the sound test for the first game ever, but the band got scrapped."

 

"And I was originally conceived in a manga, just like Amy," Charmy spoke up, cutting into the conversation. "So, really, Espio was the only one whose origins lie in the Chaotix game."

 

"It really is great to be in games again." Espio smiled smugly from where he stood upside down on the ceiling. "I thought I was doomed to only ever be in Chaotix and Fighters."

 

"We didn't even get into Fighters." Vector and Charmy shared sad looks. "But it really is great to be in games, even if we kind of... well, seem a bit strange."

 

"If only we'd returned in a better game than that piece of shit Sonic Heroes and didn't have to appear in that awful Shadow game after that," Espio said sourly. "It kind of cheapened our comeback."

 

"Man! You guys are ungrateful!" Mighty exclaimed. "What wouldn't I give to be in a game again."

 

"Me too!" Fang the Sniper waved around a pistol. "Everyone thinks that Shadow is so cool or whatever for using guns! I was there first!"

 

"It might have been more effective had they not gone and turned your weapon into a cork gun," Sonic said dryly. "And you wouldn't want to be in a crappy game like Shadow's."

 

"I appeared in four games! Four games!" Fang yelled. "Triple Trouble, Drift 2, Tails Adventures and Fighters. Why won't they bring me back?"

 

Sonic gave a sigh of disgust and went to find Tails, who was talking to the now awoken Cream. "Tails. Next time you plan a party, don't invite dropped characters. All they do is whine about how they want to appear in the games again."

 

"I just wanted to invite everyone." Tails's ears drooped.

 

"You didn't even invite the robots," Sonic pointed out. "That's discrimination against robots."

 

"Heck, yes! I agree!" Eggman said from behind them, looking annoyed. "What did my dear robots ever do to you? And Omega isn't even affiliated with me for some reason. Do my robots enjoy betraying me or something?"

 

"Metal Sonic, Omega, Gamma... yes, they must do," Amy pointed out from nearby. "Sheesh, Eggman, try and program your robots a little better." Eggman didn't respond. Instead, he just walked away in a sulk.

 

Knuckles and Rouge got into an argument when Rouge accused Knuckles of staring at Tikal. Somehow, "but she's a ghost!" wasn't enough to placate the enraged bat. Tikal stared at them in confusion and gave Chaos a very blank look.

 

"Gloop," said Chaos, happily hugging Cheese. Cream watched on nervously, not used to water beasts hugging her own Chao.

 

Big the Cat got drunk and tried to fish in the punch bowl. There was a fair bit of upset about that and Big got thrown into a closet and locked in. He slept quite comfortably on a pile of coats. Jet, Storm and Hawk, the completely uninteresting birds from the skateboarding game, got so drunk they started dancing the Macarena and scarred many anthropomorphs with the worst dance ever. Until Shadow got pissed and lobbed a grenade at them, causing them to run away screaming and leave forever. Luckily, the grenade didn't kill anyone as it exploded.

 

Sonic was so miserable, he practically drank himself into a coma. He stayed conscious long enough to hit on Vanilla and get into a drunken brawl with Mighty, who was also drunk and miserable. They ended up collapsing underneath a table and sleeping next to each other.

 

"What have I done?" Tails wailed in despair. "This is the worst party ever!"

 

Fang walked over to the bar and held the bartender at gunpoint. "I'm bored and I want to leave. Gimme yer goddamn money." Yes, there was a drinks bar, as well as a table with punch on it.

 

Eggman got drunk. Horribly drunk. Drunk enough to put on the Full Monty music and start stripping.

 

"Tails, I think having alcohol at the party was a bad idea," Amy said, shielding her eyes in disgust.

 

"I think so too." Tails cringed. He was so dead when someone pointed the finger of blame at him.

 

"Hey, you're that weasel nobody remembers with the lame corkgun, right?" The bartender started laughing, for about five seconds, before his brains got blown out.

 

"Hey!" Shadow yelled, enraged. "Only I'm allowed to use dangerous weapons and randomly kill people!"

 

"Oh, yeah?" Fang pointed his gun at Shadow, grinning.

 

"Fuck, yeah!" Shadow aimed an SMG at Fang.

 

"Mommy, I want to go home." Cream cried and clung to Vanilla's dress. Cheese began to cry as well, since it liked to copy Cream. This was a bad idea. When Chaos heard Chao crying, Chaos got pissed. Chaos did not like seeing Chao be upset at all. Sadly, all the Chaos Emeralds were present. They were being used as decorations for some lame reason. Chaos promptly grabbed them all.

 

Gunfire burst out across the room as Shadow and Fang began shooting at each other and trying to dodge bullets.

 

Chaos morphed into Perfect Chaos and started trying to destroy everything.

 

"Sonic, wake up!" Tikal shook the drunken Sonic. "This is bad!"

 

"What is it?" Sonic opened one eye.

 

"Chaos has gone crazy. You need to go Super and stop him!" Tikal cried.

 

"No way. Get someone else to do it." Sonic fell back to sleep and started snoring.

 

Shadow was kicking aside Fang's bloody corpse when Knuckles ran up to him and told him he'd better go Super or everyone would die. The room was getting rather flooded at this point. Amy and Tails were desperately trying to keep Sonic and Mighty afloat so that they didn't drown, and everyone else was swimming. Finally, Shadow went Super and kicked Perfect Chaos's ass. Somehow, it was enough to calm Chaos down. The room was still flooded though so everyone just left the building.

 

"Worst party ever." Espio said all that needed to be said.

 

"I couldn't agree more," Vector replied.

 

"Whee! That was fun! Can we go to another party? Can we? When's my birthday? Can I have a birthday party?" Charmy asked excitedly.

 

Blaze and Marine somehow fell down a plothole that took them back to their own world. Tikal and Chaos did their floating into the sky act where they vanished without an explanation of where the heck they went. Eggman continued his Full Monty thing in the garden, causing everyone to leave even quicker. Vanilla and Cream went back to their home. Mighty was left lying around somewhere, while Tails, Amy, Knuckles, Shadow and Rouge went to Sonic's house with the drunken, unconscious hedgehog. Big was still snoozing in the closet.

 

Bean and Bark were pissed about never having been mentioned and formed the Union of Neglected Dropped Characters with Ray. Whatever they were going to do, nobody knew. They left muttering about how much they hated being neglected. Inside the ruined building, Fang rose from the dead as a zombie swearing vengeance against Shadow and left, dreaming of that day he would have a revenge showdown with Shadow.

 

Tails never threw a party again.

 

Time passed by, and then there were news of a new Sonic game coming out... that _wasn't made by Sega_. This was enough to get hopes up. An RPG made by Bioware couldn't possibly suck, could it? Not as bad as a game made by Sega anyway. They had no idea how to make a decent Sonic game anymore after all and were content to keep on ruining the franchise with half-assed games with bad fanfiction for plots.

 

Knuckles sat by the Master Emerald on Angel Island, reclining and soaking in the sun's rays with a relaxed sigh. "Ahh, this is the life," he said happily, smiling in contentment. Sadly, it wouldn't last long. Some random game would be announced and he would be dragged away from his duty to go and hang out with Sonic and friends for no good reason. Not only did he not seem to remember he was meant to guard the Master Emerald, Sonic Team was content to make a big joke out of him and turn him into the comic relief character. Knuckles hated it. He was not meant to be goofy and comical, not at all, but Sonic Team wouldn't listen.

 

They were the same people making Amy into a psychotic stalker who could apparently only think of forcing Sonic to marry her after all.

 

"Are you ready, Cream?" Amy stood next to a giant pot of boiling water, looking menacingly at the tied up rabbit sitting next to her. "I'll just boil you in this giant pot and then Sonic will have to marry me, for fear that I'll boil Tails next." She then laughed maniacally.

 

Cream sat up in bed screaming, terrified by her latest nightmare. She really shouldn't have watched Fatal Attraction with her mother last night. Neither of them had known about the bunny boiler scene for that matter, but it had thoroughly scarred them when the woman boiled a pet rabbit out of revenge against her ex lover she was stalking.

 

Anyway, back to Knuckles, who was suddenly bored enough to bring down the island and get off. Watching the Master Emerald really did get boring sometimes and he was prone to ADD lately, which would cause him to get off his ass and go hang out with Sonic and the others instead.

 

He was already walking through the Mystic Ruins, when a van drove in front of him from freaking nowhere. How had a vehicle managed to get to such a place anyway? Knuckles decided to ignore this gaping plothole and stood still, watching as four anthropomorphic animals stepped out of the cab that was attached to the van. They all wore red and gold clothing, despite all being male and not having anything particularly important to cover up. Knuckles narrowed his eyes and tensed, immediately going on the defensive as they approached him.

 

"We are the Marauders," said one of the anthropomorphs.

 

"Marauders?" Knuckles repeated. The group of four were none other than a dog, a wolf, a stag and a rat. Apparently this gang of four called themselves the Marauders for some odd reason.

 

"Yes," said the dog. "I am Padfoot." He gestured to the wolf. "This is Moony." Then, waving his hand at the stag and rat. "Prongs. Wormtail."

 

"What do you want?" Knuckles asked.

 

"We are big fans of yours," said Prongs. "So we've decided to reward you."

 

Wormtail walked over to the back of the van and opened it.

 

"Your favourite food is grapes, right?" Moony asked. "The back of the van is full of grapes. Go and help yourself to those delicious grapes."

 

"I see what's going on here," Knuckles said sharply. "This is a trap and you expect me to fall for it, right?"

 

"I thought he was supposed to be gullible!" Wormtail exclaimed.

 

"Well, crap. We thought you would jump in the van and we could shut the doors on you and drive away," Prongs said, sounding disappointed.

 

"What the hell?" Knuckles yelled.

 

"You're going to get kidnapped in Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood by a group called the Marauders," Padfoot explained. "Our only purpose is to make fun of the fact the group is called the Marauders."

 

"Me! Kidnapped?" Knuckles could not believe it. Bioware actually had the nerve to come up with a plot that involved him being kidnapped? Had they mistaken him for Amy for some absurd reason? "Well, you just try and kidnap me!"

 

"Yeah, we're going to," Padfoot replied.

 

The Marauders immediately moved forward, but Knuckles was quicker. He jumped high into the air, glided over and caught onto the van with his claws. The echidna then climbed up and glided into the air, before crashing down on Wormtail and slugging him in the head. Moony lunged at Knuckles, but Knuckles dug into the ground and burrowed his way through, popping out behind Prongs and slamming a fist into the back of his head. Padfoot and Moony came running, but Knuckles dug his way beneath them again, reappearing behind the two and grabbed them, clunking their heads together. The two fell down unconscious.

 

"Well, that was easy," Knuckles said, dusting off his gloves. "How the heck can I possibly get kidnapped?"

 

Then he thought about the fact they had tried to trick him into a van with _grapes_. Being paranoid about the safety of his own Master Emerald was one thing and perfectly understandable, but to simply get into a van when some strangers said it was full of grapes? Sonic Team really were trying to make him out to be some kind of  comical goof, weren't they? Knuckles spent the entire train ride to Station Square in a gloomy sulk. He sulked out of the train station into the city, which had been rebuilt after Perfect Chaos's destruction.

 

"Hi, Knuckles! It's a surprise to see you here." Amy stood in front of him, eating from a stick of cotton candy. "What's up?"

 

"Are Sonic and Tails around?" Knuckles asked in a thoroughly depressed voice. "I think I'm going to kill myself."

 

Amy stared at him, then sighed. Great. It seemed that Sonic's depressed funk, which he was still in, had now infected Knuckles. There was only one thing she could think of doing at that point. "Come on." Amy grabbed Knuckles' hand and started pulling him.

 

"Where are you taking me?" Knuckles asked, though he wasn't resisting.

 

"To Twinkle Park of course!" Amy said cheerfully. "You haven't been there before, have you?"

 

"But I don't-"

 

"No buts! We can't have everyone being depressed!"

 

"Rats..."

 

Knuckles found to his surprise that amusement parks actually were rather fun. The rollercoaster freaked him out, but apart from that, he was able to enjoy himself a little and regained the will to live. The two then sat by the pool and talked.

 

"Sonic Team is screwing over my character!" Knuckles complained. "I seem to have been reduced to nothing more than Sonic's sidekick who is simply there for gags and whatnot. Nobody can even take me seriously anymore. I used to be badass. Now I just suck."

 

"It's the same for me too." Amy hugged her legs to her chest, looking sad. "I used to have a personality of my own. I was simply a cute and cheerful girl who liked Sonic, now I've been turned into some kind of deranged fangirl who can only think of marriage and stalks Sonic on a regular basis. Didn't I want to become more independent and show Sonic I wasn't just some helpless damsel in distress or something like that at the end of Sonic Adventure? Now I'm just some psychotic groupie."

 

Since being in Twinkle Park wasn't really doing much good, the two went to Emerald Coast to find Sonic, who was lounging on the beach.

 

"Yo." Sonic listlessly waved a hand.

 

"I'm going to get kidnapped in Sonic Chronicles!" Knuckles burst out.

 

Sonic sat up and stared at Knuckles, then stared some more and just kept staring. Then he started laughing. "Wow, you nearly had me there, Knuckles. Great joke. I would have believed it had it been Amy."

 

"I'm right here," Amy said acidly, her hammer appearing out of nowhere. "I swore over ten years ago I would be able to take care of myself, abandoned my dream and dedicated my life to stalking you and constantly trying to get you to marry me. I hate it. What did Sonic Team do with my personality?"

 

"I'm serious, Sonic." Knuckles clenched his fists. "As if turning into your short-tempered and slow-witted sidekick wasn't enough, I'm apparently getting kidnapped by some group named the Marauders. What is Bioware on?"

 

"Hey, guys!" Tails came running up before things could get even more heated up. "I learned some more information about the Sonic RPG. It seems that there are alien races in it for some strange reason, I think one was called the Zoah, and the Marauders are probably an alien race as well."

 

"So I am actually getting kidnapped by an alien race?" Knuckles asked. "Well, that makes more sense, but it's still humiliating."

 

"Yeah. I bet it would really hurt your pride if I had to come and rescue you," Sonic said. Knuckles glared at him and he cowered. "Whoah, chill out, Knuckles."

 

"The Zoah and the Marauders, huh?" Amy raised an eyebrow. "What is it with alien races lately?"

 

"I better not be related to these guys too!" Shadow fell out of a tree, startling them. "That would really suck, you know? I found out my mommy was some freaky alien with a cheesy name and a face that looked like a vagina. Do you have any idea how traumatised I was?"

 

"I wonder which name is cheesiest," Sonic wondered, "Black Doom or Mephiles the Dark?"

 

"Mephiles would be a great name by itself," Tails said. "But to add the Dark after it? Lame."

 

Suddenly, Amy's cellphone rang. She promptly answered it. "Amy Rose here! Huh... what do you mean you are my boyfriend? No, that's wrong! Sonic is my boyfriend!"

 

"Amy..." Sonic sighed.

 

"Dexter?" Amy looked bewildered. "What the hell kind of name is Dexter?"

 

"Is something wrong, Amy?" Tails asked.

 

"Some guy named Dexter just called me and is claiming to be my boyfriend!" Amy wailed, waving the cellphone in his face.

 

"Uh, yeah." Tails shrugged. "Apparently you claim to have a boyfriend named Dexter in Sonic Chronicles and people assume you are telling the truth for some absurd reason. I just didn't think that it was worth mentioning. But, yeah, what kind of name is Dexter supposed to be?"

 

"Sounds like a nerdy guy who wears glasses and has buck teeth." Shadow laughed. "What do you think about that, Sonic?"

 

"Eh, I don't care," Sonic said, getting off the deckchair. "I'm going to head to the burger bar now. Don't give your new boyfriend too much trouble, Amy."

 

Amy angrily threw the cellphone at his head.

 

"MARIA!" Shadow hugged the tree and started crying. Knuckles and Tails stared at him in disbelief, then sighed in unison. Evidently, he was still prone to random fits of angst.

 

The days passed by without further incident. Sonic wondered why he was suddenly getting an urge to start howling at the moon every night. Well, save for those nights that didn't have a moon. After about three months, it became unbearable. He was sitting there at the windowsill, staring at the sky with an agonised expression, and could no longer contain his urges. With a swift motion, Sonic threw open the window and sat on the sill. "Arooooooooo!"

 

Tails awoke with a start, terrified by the howling noise. He shuddered and shook in his bed, trying to tell himself that it had just been his imagination, but then he heard the howling once more. It was enough to make his fur stand on end. As he listened to the sound, he realised that it sounded very close. It couldn't be... was Sonic actually howling in his sleep? Tails ran out of his room and into Sonic's, stunned by what he saw.

 

"Sonic!" Tails yelled. "Just what do you think you are doing?"

 

"Ack!" Sonic almost fell off the sill completely. Fortunately, he managed not to and jumped back into the room, looking startled. "Uh, hey, Tails. Did I wake you up?"

 

"Yeah, you sure did!" Tails exclaimed angrily. "What were you doing, sitting on your windowsill and howling like that?"

 

"Uh... well... I can't really explain," Sonic said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head. "I've been wanting to howl at the moon almost every night. I just couldn't take it anymore! For some reason, I have to howl at the moon. Oh, yeah, why don't we go to the video store tomorrow and rent some DVDs? I have this urge to watch some werewolf movies. Do you know any good ones?"

 

Tails just stared at him with a look of disbelief then left the room without a word.

 

"There's something wrong with me." Sonic crawled into his bed, looking miserable. "I wish I knew what it was."

 

The madness didn't end there. Sonic and Shadow were having an argument a few weeks later, some trivial stuff about which types of Chao were cutest, and it happened to be on the night of the full moon.

 

"Dark Chao are way better than Hero Chao, so there!" Shadow retorted. He was getting a little tired of this argument. If Sonic kept going, he could always point a gun at his head and force him to agree. Or was that a little too mean? He really wasn't sure anymore, this good versus evil thing that kept going on in his head made him confused as hell.

 

Suddenly, Sonic transformed into a deranged, furry, wolfish looking beast with giant fangs. "Aroooooooo!" Weresonic howled, lunging at Shadow and trying to bite him.

 

"Ack!" Shadow flailed, yelping in pain as Weresonic began nibbling at his ear. "What are you doing? Get off me right now!"

 

Weresonic ignored him and Shadow was about to whip out a gun and force him off, when Tails came running up.

 

"What is that?" Tails stared in amazement. "It looks like a monster!"

 

Weresonic got off Shadow and took a very good look at himself. Then he screamed. "What's happened to me?"

 

"Oh, that's right. I didn't even recognise you at first. So I guess that's what you look like in your Werehog form," Tails observed.

 

"What the hell?" Sonic shouted. "What's a Werehog supposed to be?"

 

"Why has Sonic transformed into some furry freak with giant teeth and claws?" Shadow demanded to know.

 

"Apparently, Sega got into some pot and decided to create a game where Sonic had a beast form at night," Tails explained. "I only just learned about it a short while ago, when I was trying to figure out why Sonic was acting so weird."

 

"And... he's a Werehog?" Shadow frowned. "That doesn't sound right."

 

"No kidding." Tails shook his head. "Werewolf means man-wolf, so I guess Werehog must mean man pig, right?"

 

Shadow laughed at that. "Hey, Sonic, can you say oink?"

 

Sonic punched him in the face. However, he was much stronger than normal and ended up giving Shadow a bloody nose. Shadow ran away crying for his mommy, then he remembered he didn't really have a mommy, so he cried for Maria instead.


End file.
